September was tough and painful. I lost momentum

September was a month that my momentum came crushing down. About 3 months earlier I had decided to change a lot of the things that I thought were getting in the way of making progress in my life. The point of me writing this is not to create excuses for my failures but to put everything in perspective and refocusing and getting back on track.

The last couple of months have been difficult for my family and close relatives. We had to deal with a lot of death and it hit more than once. I lost my niece and then my sister shortly after, and a few weeks after that my wife lost a close uncle. It was a confusing time indeed. I had never experienced loosing very close people in quick succession like that, so it hit me hard.

We all deal with death or loss differently. I sought solace in the indulgences that I had promised myself and publicly on this blog, to stay away from. I started to drink alcohol again to numb the pain and I craved the temporary soothing feeling that alcohol gives. I now have to deal with the hard decision to get back on track and redefine my priorities.

Loosing someone close hurts,especially someone that you cared about so deeply. I loved and cared for my sister immensely but most of the time I never expressed it to her not even in actions. The night she passed away I was supposed to go see her in the hospital but I did not. I did not get a chance to say good bye properly. My mum told me the morning of her death that she was asking to see me and my brother so that we can take her away from hospital. She didn’t want to die from there, she wanted to live.

I struggle till today, some days are better than others. I get reminded everyday about her by small little conversations we had, When I see something on TV that I know she would have enjoyed, I feel a pain that I can’t describe. I wish she was here with me. I can hear her laughter and her small talk, her caring heart, especially for us her brothers. It is hard to see her son , because I know they were close and he badly misses his mother. If only he could articulate what he feels, I’m sure he has a lot to say. Sometimes he just cries, I guess that’s the only way he knows how to express his pain.

I heard never attended counseling sessions before and quite honestly I never considered them to be that helpful but I was wrong. We attended a family grief counseling session and it was amazing. I was told to deal with pain through acknowledging it and learning to live with it. To appreciate that the grief is a reminder that you cared so much about the person you lost and make it your friend. When it comes, embrace it and feel it deeply but focus on the good times that you had with your loved one that you lost.

Distracting yourself from the memory of loss is not the answer but rather counter-intuitive, appreciating it and learning to be comfortable with the feeling is a great way to deal with it. You have to understand that, the feeling of loss will never seize and you have to learn to live with it without letting it destroy you.

Through pain and tragedy we learn to appreciate other people’s pain and learn to fellowship with our friends and family in times of grief. I’m much more enlightened about loss and the comforting feeling of having people around you to go through the tough times. I will go the extra mile to make sure I’m there for people who have lost a loved one. It means a lot to them. I can’t thank enough the people that came through when I lost my sister. People who left their work and traveled to be with us. May GOD abundantly bless you.

I recommit myself to continuously strive to be a better person. To refocus on the things that add value to me and to the people around me. I pledge to fellowship and sympathize with people going through the loss of a loved one and I pray to GOD that my sister Mable, my niece Solange and Apuuli rest in eternal peace. May GOD grant me the strength so that, the grief that I feel now and will feel tomorrow and the day after be a reminder of the love I had for my loved ones and not the source of pain that will depress and destroy me.